His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
