In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
