fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
