What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
