Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
