Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
