Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
