Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
