I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
