This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
