If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
