I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
