When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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