The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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