my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
