Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
