i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
