apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
