my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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