Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
