My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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