I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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