The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
