New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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