Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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