I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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