Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
