Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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