my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
