A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
