and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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