filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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