Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
