this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
