i jhust puked up my retainher.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
