He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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