I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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