i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
