I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
just tell him i said nine months
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
