Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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