my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize