I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
