am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
