btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
