i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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