I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
