My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
