my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
