Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
