We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
