i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
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