she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
