My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
