I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
