i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
please come you make the beer taste better
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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