i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
this will be a night to untag.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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