I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
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